Good job describing all the mysticism. Also, you made me laugh again! YAY!
However, I feel like it didn't really "travel" anywhere. Take it back to the idea of the tree - the keeper of time in nature. That was a wonderful place and I think you could really go somewhere in this piece by making it surround that scene when you were five.
I like the lesson, the idea of the piece, but the structure really took away from the whole meaning. Fragments and phrases really need to be grounded in your sentences. If you just fix the stylistic stuff, it would be much more hard-hitting. I liked the warning label idea. Very true.
I really liked this piece. All the things you said about medication are so true and your last line was wonderful!
If you would only fill it out a bit, it would be a much more well-rounded essay.
At times, you have very poetic language. But at others, you use the word "it" to begin your sentences, taking away any sense of the personal and human from the essay. "It began", "It's understandable", "This is", "It was" -- all of these take away from how you really feel and instead, give all the energy in the essay to someone unknown entity: "It". Try to turn some of these sentences around and make them active, instead of passive.
Also, at times, your mechanics ( no periods, ellipses) distracted me from the real meaning of your words. But then again, since I am kind of a mechanics freak, this might be just me.
You talk very vividly in your two real scenes, but maybe you could separate them from the rest of the essay by using a different verb tense or structure, so that there is a little variety between these scenes and your planning your verbal attack to protect your mother.
Good job on the dialogue. I could really hear everyone saying what you proscribed to them.
Funny and heartbreaking at the same time. I could not believe that the doctors would cut off the spirit-strings and neck-rings! That is awful. But the way Conquergood got the Hmongs to vaccinate their dogs? Priceless.
This story was very different: journalistic, no real connection with the narrator. But I liked it because, even though the speaker cannot be heard through the narrative, they are heard through the opinions.
Favorite line: "When Hmong people die in the United States, is it true that they are cut into pieces and put in tin cans and sold as food?" This reminds me of so many little ideas we have about other cultures and how equally absurd they are.
Try to put in the fact that it is approaching New Year's Eve earlier. Also, not everyone will know that Statesboro is a college town. And you don't say you are going back to Statesboro because it is your school until well into the story.
Try to be less in your head and more descriptive. Maybe adding a bit of dialogue would help with this.
The epiphany comes a bit too sudden. Perhaps you could slowly put it in a little bit starting in the middle of the story and build until the final moment when it all comes together.
Very nice imagery and description. However, your story was somewhat awkward in the transitions between segments of the narrative. Also, there were a few places where you were too wordy and it could have been said a lot simpler.
I don't like the intro. Find some other way to introduce the watch. The description of the box was very strange.
All-in-all, a really cute and meaningful story.
A bit awkward in the transitions between story lines, but otherwise a nice mixture.
I know you didn't use quotation marks on purpose, but consider putting them in. It starts to detract from the story and, sometimes, I found myself wondering who was speaking instead of paying attention to what they were saying.
I am still having a bit of a hard time discerning what the relationship with Ma and Pa was? Were they your grandparents on your mother's side?
Very hard topic. Thank you for sharing it with us. It was extremely moving.
Other than random punctuation stuff, the only suggestion I could make is to keep it more sensory. Instead of "doctor-talk", I want more of you. Give us a scene to describe what you feel in the final paragraph. I want what you really felt, emotionally and physically. Those tubes sticking out of you and the tape sticking to your skin...I want to feel that uncomfortable-ness. I really got the pain in the beginning. More of that. That had really good energy.
Thank you for writing this.
Your sentences seemed like poetry. They went very well with your view of the majestic night.
I don't like the Scarlett paragraph. It feels like a misplaced puzzle piece. I think your piece could be improved by taking it out. Your piece is about being alone, and even though the voices in your head do join you in the car, they are not entities outside of you. Scarlett is.
The essay is wonderfully philosophical. Maybe you could take out a lot of the "it feels like" kind of phrases and just tell us what it is.
